Thursday, January 28, 2010

On My Lack of Blogging...and George

I know it's been months. I KNOW. What have I been doing?

Well, I've taken a detour. In September, I decided it was time to "date" again. Not that I needed to, really. I just decided that it would be fun, and I wanted to. To make a very long story short, I am now seeing an interesting man who I think is just marvelous. Trouble is, he's extremely guarded, and I don't believe for one second that he should be dating at all. My work is cut out for me...I need to escape from my feelings for him before I get really hurt badly. And that's not an easy thing for me to do.

I firmly believe that as emotionally guarded and detatched as he is, he needs someone just as much the exact opposite as him to love him. I am not sure if he would agree, but these kinds of people never see what they really need. They can only see what they don't want.

I care about him deeply. The loss would definetely be his if I walked away, but I am the only one that would feel the pain. Just to be fair, I will say that he has been straightforward and upfront with me from the very beginning. He wanted to "have fun", and of course, so did I. It's a known fact that men can "have fun" WAY longer than women can, and so here I am, wondering where the "fun" is going to backfire on my heart.

Why am I so wrapped up in this man? Many reasons. He's got my respect, for one HUGE thing. He's a PhD associate professor, an expert in his field in the USA and Europe, a musician, and a writer. He plays piano with the notes flowing from his fingers, and singing with him at the piano is nothing short of magic for me. I keep thinking it's the music most of all, but it's more. I love watching him think...watching the process, his face, his eyes. He is a brilliant man, and I love his smile, his laugh, and his quirkiness. He is the "fuddy professor", and I adore it.

So, the quagmire of emotions that he isn't able to feel is all over me. Because I can feel them all, no problem. And it's very dangerous.

I've decided to throw myself back into my work. Every indication has told me to do this all along, and I've trudged my way through, agreeing completely, but not being able to separate my thoughts from George in order to buckle down and get things done. This isn't healthy for me, and I have to knock it off. I am suffering, my resources are suffering, and why? It's ridiculous.

Working is good for me; it always has been. But in the back of my mind is this: